Gray 2

A decent amount of grays can be classified as the conflicting desire for success in work versus the desire for success in love and family.  When you get out of college all you can think about is finding a job.  That might be different if you find the man you’re going to marry in college, which frankly, was never what I was looking for while I was in college.  I wasn’t opposed to that, and I’m not going to sit here and tell you I was so focused on my schoolwork that I aced every class.  I was there to get a degree; that was the deal.  For our generation, it was still a question for a lot of young women right out of high school whether or not they would go to college.  Was it as important for women as it was for men?  Now I’m not saying it was like the ‘50s or ‘60s when women weren’t encouraged to go to college unless they wanted to be nurses or teachers.  However, it wasn’t a failure or bad thing to do if you decided to skip college and get married, or have babies, or get a job, or travel at that time.  With that said, it also didn’t really feel like there was a lot of pressure, at least from my parents, to be an uber success in college.  It was sort of a running joke response I would give to my dad.  “What are you going to school for daughter?” To get a degree, dad.”  So, that’s what I did. 

I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to major in, but I was interested in architecture, so when I was advised to major in Interior Design, that’s what I did.  I liked it, it was challenging, and I’m good at it.  No question in my mind about that, at least not today.  I didn’t put a lot of stock in the basic studies, and I didn’t give anything my all, and I had a lot of fun going out with my friends, socializing and partying.  So, when I got out of college, I didn’t really know how to go about finding a job.  I wasn’t given a lot of guidance.  Again, mom and dad, I’m not blaming you guys, it’s just my story about my life.  I was just advised to get a job.  The first job I had was selling furniture, which I was terrible at and was fired after 90 days.  The next job was doing construction drawings for cabinet shops.  It started out rocky, but turned out to be very good experience and a good thing to do. 

When faced with opportunities to relocate, I remember feeling so lucky that I wasn’t in a relationship and didn’t have to worry about factoring anybody else into my decisions to move for what I felt were good career opportunities.  In my 20s, I felt like there was plenty of time for meeting guys and wasn’t too concerned about being independent.  In fact, I was proud of being on my own, and even felt a little bit superior about it. 

Well, then you enter your 30s and think, hey, there’s still time for love and family.  I can still have kids if I want to.  Do I want to have kids?  Is that need that my friends talk about to have children ever going to surface?  What if it doesn’t?  Well, I’ll just let that hand play itself out.  I’ll just see if I meet someone, and see what they want, and see if it fits into what I want.  What do I want anyway?  Hey, the 30s were really fun, don’t get me wrong, but as far as my career was going, it was kind of stalling. 

So, when my career started to take off in my late 30s and early 40s, again, I felt like, well, it would be nice to meet someone, but it’s okay if I don’t.  Not that I spend my time alone, I date, I get affection, I have fun, and I have a great social life.  I’ll revisit the individual guys and those experiences later.  Trust me, there are enough gray hairs to go around where they’re concerned.  Aside from that, I was laid off a little over a year ago, found another job immediately, and then lost my job again.  Now I’m nearing my mid 40s and have no job.  I mentioned there’s someone in my life, and that is making my life without work really fun.  However, it’s relatively new, and while I am happy, it’s not something I can say is the end all be all, at least not yet. 

Besides, that’s not the question.  The question is, was it wise to put off family for so long and to focus on my career?  That would be easy to answer if I had a job, now wouldn’t it?  Did it have to be a choice? Should I have been more actively looking for someone?  See that’s where I have to go with my gut.  Not that I don’t take responsibility for my own life choices, but how much of it is choice and how much is just what’s meant to be?  How much do I really have control over?  Here’s where the 40s are not the 20s.  Here’s where I get to use the last 20 years of experience and personal growth and say something like, I’m happy with my life, I’m good at what I do and I’m a really good and generous person, and I’ve still got a lot of time ahead of me to achieve great successes.  Isn’t that great?