People come and go in our lives. The only thing worse than fighting with a friend, is realizing that your friend has no interest in mending things with you. Today I had to come to that conclusion after running into a friend who had become estranged over the past few months. The hardest part about it is accepting responsibility for your own part in the damage. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true, we know when it’s our fault and when it isn’t. Not that both parties involved aren’t responsible in one way or another, but there’s always one side that is the dominating factor, the one who “started” it, so to speak. Really, what I mean is, that the person who got pissed off first is the one who started it. I have to say, in my case, I’m rarely the person who starts it. Meaning, if I get pissed off about something, I don’t always share it. That’s probably because I hate it when people get upset with me, and I am afraid they will take away their friendship if I bring up something that might tick them off. That’s a whole other bunch of grays to be revisited later. So, when my friend told me she was pissed off at me a few months ago, I have to admit that I did not handle it well.
Here’s what happened; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Natalie became pregnant and confided it to me before any of our other friends. She confided in me because we had been friends for a long time and because I was the one she hung out with the most. She is living with her boyfriend, there’s no stupid stigmatic controversy there. She asked me not to tell anybody of course. However, she did ask me advice that I needed to ask a 3rd party about on her behalf, and did not like it that I told this person who I was asking for. Never mind that the person I discussed it with couldn’t care less and doesn’t know anybody else we know, she didn’t like it. Some time later she asked me if I told anybody else, and I mentioned that I told a coworker of mine, also someone who does not know her or any of our friends. This is where I have to accept responsibility for my actions. Yes, I told a couple of people when you asked me not to, but in my own defense, they don’t know you and don’t care. I never told anybody that we know. I’ll also admit that when she told me it pissed her off I got defensive about it, and I did not apologize in an acceptable way.
With all of that said, from that point it went from bad to worse. She decided that she would take that opportunity to tell me some other things she doesn’t like or respect about me. Primarily it was about The Boss, the younger man I mentioned previously. Incidentally, I’m calling him The Boss, because he tends to be a bit bossy, and I find myself responding to him with, “yes boss” a lot, not because I think of him like the boss of us. She didn’t think the relationship was appropriate, because he was dating someone else at that point, and that I was lying to myself about it to justify it. Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew what I was doing, and yes I knew that I could be hurting someone else while taking what I wanted from the situation. I also knew I could end up getting hurt myself. Regardless of any of that, I’m not going sit here and try to rationalize or justify it, suffice it to say several months later, he’s only involved with me and it might developing into something more than just a fun thing, but that still remains to be seen.
After she said all of that stuff to me about her feelings about my character, I pointed out to her that some of the things she was saying were a) irrelevant to the issue at hand, and b) pretty hurtful things that she might not be able to take back later. That’s one thing I’m generally pretty careful about, sticking to the issue at hand, and avoiding saying things that can’t be taken back later when things cool down. Another thing I pointed out to her is this. Natalie, you are not famous, and nobody gives a shit that you’re pregnant. I care. Also, this isn’t the “real housewives of Anytown, USA,” and nobody is interested in gossiping or judging each other in our group of friends.
Time has since passed and I have been trying to remain in touch randomly, with notes congratulating her that everything is going well and I hear she is having a girl, and with happy birthday messages, etc. Until today, that is. Today I ran into her at the drug store. She was on the phone, so I waved hello, and she waved hello in return, however she never broke stride, and didn’t skip a beat, she kept on with her phone conversation and kept on walking. I was able to not be terribly upset about her not contacting me when I’m sure she knows I lost my job, I wasn’t thrilled, but I was willing to look past that.Today’s little meeting? I can’t do it. Whatever hope there was in mending our friendship just walked down the aisle in the drug store without even a second thought or a single glance back.
Fine, be that way sister, some day you will wish you had stopped to say hello. We’ll see how that goes, won’t we?
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